Arg. I *did* write something - a masterpiece compared to my other stuff - but stupid antville freaking deleted it! I'll attempt to recreate it, but there's no telling if it'll turn out the same. Damn!

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Ah, the end of the school year. A time to sign yearbooks (I hate them - I never know what to write), stress about finals (I did pretty well on mine), and, of course, gain closure. The year has gone by so fast; in February it felt like December, in April it felt like December, and now it still feels like December. Why? Why does my mind always go back to December, to HIM? I've liked him for half the school year, and I don't know why or how it got to be this bad. I usually don't go for this type of yearning, if you will, but this year seemed to be different than the rest. We never talked to each other much; the closest I got was tripping over his foot during finals - he merely chuckled, and so I chuckled back at him and went away. How convenient? He's not really my type either. I mean, this isn't one of those "popular guy/geeky girl" situations. I'd like to think of myself as pretty well-rounded, albeit lacking in the Physical Development Department. It's just that our school's social structure is ridiculously rigid. In fact, my whole community's like that - the middle class white male is still the holder of power, as old-fashioned as it may be. I hate my school. There is virtually NO interaction between "cliques" (how cliche), and my friends don't really appreciate his friends, and stuff like that. As I said, I hate my school. And where I live too.

Anyway. Back to my pining. He's a really nice person and a funny guy (I think we even listen to the same music - info wrought from my elementary eavesdropping skills), but the only thing I've managed is to sneak glances at him and peek at him discreetly during Homeroom. And of course, me being pathetic little me, I decided to dramatize everything and attempt to write him an anonymous letter, which I would slip into his locker sometime. And, me being half-illiterate me, it turned out like chicken shit so I ripped it up and gave up. I hate myself for not being able to write my own feelings coherently and eloquently without consulting my thesaurus (I'm on my second copy, by the way), but it's life and I had better deal with it. The point is, even if I had written a decent confession of my feelings, I wouldn't have had the goddamn courage to actually deliver it. I'm such a coward, emotionally at least, and if I could kick myself in the ass I would have killed myself by now.

So I had this genious idea. Since none of my friends read this blog anyway (it was mostly a personal project to begin with, and to whomever reviewed it, I'm eternally gratified and I'll try to update more now that school's out), I'll just confess right here.

____ _____, I like you and I have for half the school year. Closure is not easy to gain, especially when I can't even talk to you because of stupid societal customs and other such crap like that, but I must if I'm to go on normally with my life and not pine away like a tree (forgive the puns - I'm going to therapy for this, I promise), wasting away the summer with distracting thoughts of you. So I guess this is it, and I'll probably see you in my dreams sometime or another. Bye.

See, that was horrible! I think I'll go bash my head into a wall or something. And then, of course, go gaze at his picture in the yearbook. >_<

This time, I'm not taking any chances and copying this first. In case a certain website host decides to be retarded again. *coughantvillecough* Right - this didn't come out as well as the original, but there's nothing I can do about that. [glares]

~AF